Fear is a Mind Killing Care Bear

“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'

'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”

― George R.R. Martin

Fear is a mind killer, indeed, and Melanie spoke of this in one of the CBY newsletters a while back. Today, I want to expand on the concept.

Just as we have suffering that is necessary and suffering that is unnecessary, fear can be beneficial, but can also limit us in our endeavors. Paralyzing progress, cementing vitality. Serving as the medusa to our effulgence when we look it in the eyes. One key for discerning if this fear is beneficial or not is observing if the fear accompanies a desire to also do the thing, take the leap, venture into an unknown.

I’ve been afraid many times in my life, and each time I had to decide if I was going to let it stop me or let it fuel me. If there’s little to no desire, there’s no fuel.

I was afraid to start graduate school and work towards becoming a scientist — fearing my intelligence would prove inadequate, but my desire to continue my learning and growth fueled me.

I was afraid to leave science and open a yoga studio — fearing intensive monetary loss leading to no clear vision of where my life would go from there, but my desire to change careers and offer this practice to the community fueled me.

I was afraid to start teaching Ashtanga yoga — fearing I would fail to honour the practice that served me in numerous chapters of my life, but knowing how transformative it could be for so many fueled me.

I was afraid to close Cherry Blossom during lockdown, to reopen Cherry Blossom after lockdown, and then close down again when the physical business was no longer viable in its then current state, but the long term commitment to the CBYfamily over the short term status of a physical space fueled me to make hard choices.

I‘ve been afraid to embark on new facets of my career…

to move out of state despite a life long desire to live on the East Coast…

to fall in love…

to fall out of love…

to foster a cat who became the feline love of my life…

to accept the heartbreak of offering death to Mocha despite knowing it would cease her suffering…

to tell family members how they’ve hurt me…

to ask forgiveness from those I’ve hurt…

I’ve been afraid… but I’ve also been fueled.

And sometimes I haven’t been afraid in situations that might cause others to panic. I always addressed my gut, checked my intuition — these were not willy-nilly mindless choices, but they do often illicit surprise from those with whom I’ve shared these grand tales.

Knowing this human experience as I do, something tells me you’ve been afraid of something, too.

We all experience fear, just as we all experience love, heartbreak, joy, and loss.

This week I was on a group call where we talked about achieving our goals and how we compare ourselves to others. Telling ourselves we’ll never achieve what Mr. or Ms. Jones has achieved because they must have something special about them we don’t possess. The group was asked by the host, “Ask yourself, why not you?” And she expected us to answer (on paper, verbally sharing was optional), not just marinate on the concept and then forget about it.

So I wrote on my paper, “why not me?” After internally singing a wee bit of the chorus to ‘Why Not Me?” by The Judds (gotta love the memories of childhood Sara that still linger in the brain), I wrote on my paper a single word.

Fear.

“We Do Not Follow Maps To Buried Treasure, And X Never, Ever Marks The Spot.”

— Indiana Jones

Fear is why not me. I’m afraid. That’s what holds me back, but it’s not just fear that holds me back. If I’ve learned anything from scary movies, there’s always something that lies beneath. So, in order to have that feeling of fear serve me, I need to dig deeper beneath the surface fear, and get to the deeper fear. Insert mental image of me dressed as Indiana Jones, mostly because I love hats and adventure, but also it’s the perfect outfit for digging into the dark and doomy temples of my mind.

Is it fear of worthiness? Maybe.

Is it fear of success, or failure? Maybe, maybe.

Is it fear of having to face some truths about my ability to succeed, what others will say to me and about me if I fail or succeed, or something else? Maybe, maybe, and maybe.

This is the kind of fear that doesn’t always serve. Yes, there is fear that serves. That spidey-sense that tells you one dark alley is a bad choice and another might be okay, that someone you’re interested in isn’t a good fit for you, or when you get into a Lyft and your antenna start tingling only to ignore them, then the driver has trouble focusing on the road, almost driving off a bridge, so you finally speak up and get out at the first business you see despite that it’s night in a new city. There is fear that is beneficial and we should listen to it.

Then there is fear that causes unnecessary suffering. This is the fear I’m talking about here. I’m not saying don’t listen to your gut when making life decisions. On the contrary, in fact. I’m saying to listen, and listen deeply. Listen beneath the fear and anxiety on the surface. Listen to the source of the fear, not the fear itself. Feel the fear, but take the leap.

In our practice we learn to discern between that which is pleasurable / painful from that which is beneficial. Sometimes discomfort is necessary, but not pain. Sometimes comfort is necessary, but not indulgent slothy pleasure. Most often it's the balance between discomfort and comfort, effort and ease, that is necessary.

So off the mat, we can take this practice of discernment to explore fear. Is this a fear that is present to serve us, keep us alive, keep us protected? Or is this fear speaking to something deeper that’s holding us back?

Invite the intensive care bear of fear to your afternoon tea, sit with it like we’ve done with our inner critic. Gosh, bring them both to the tea party and see how the conversation unfolds. Sit with the fear, work to understand it, and discover what purpose it’s serving — paralysis or protection.

With Love and Courage,

-Sara

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

― Nelson Mandela