The Inner Critic, pt 2

“To come into the present is to stop the war.” — Jack Kornfield

I’ve continued marinating on the thoughts of last week, and even started writing this part 2 in my mind before posting the original piece last Sunday. I spoke of our inner bully, critic, nemesis. If you haven’t read it, give it a read here — then return and continue your musings with part 2.

In addition to discussing the battle with the inner voices, I also wanted to discuss the flip-side of the inner critic battle. This is something I’ve been practicing for myself over many years and it’s definitely helped me ‘win’ the battles more often than not.

There’s a Jack Kornfield meditation that I not only love practicing, but I love teaching. Students often tell me how helpful this one particular meditation is for them, and I can’t help but agree knowing how helpful it was for me. I even recorded a ‘Stopping The War’ meditation for CBYtv / CBYtv+. An extension of stopping the war, is recognizing and acknowledging that which we are waging war against.

In chapter 7 of Kornfield’s book, A Path With Heart, he discusses naming our “demons.” Naming of the experience, conflict, or that which we fear — whether those experiences are based in pleasure or difficulty — is the first step in bringing them to a wakeful consciousness, a wakeful attention.

Often times, when we continually battle the inner critic, the battle becomes so common place we start accepting it as part of our daily habits like brushing our teeth. The biggest difference is brushing our teeth doesn’t eventually exhaust us emotionally, mentally, and physically. We grasp at this battle because it’s all we know, and what we know is more comfortable than the unknown. Yet, there is so much more possibility to be found in the unknown.

What if, instead of waging war, we venture into the unknown space and attempt to understand our inner bully?

But first things first, we name this ‘demon’ or inner critic (ex: Unruly Sara or Grumpy Sara). Then, perhaps we can dig deeper beyond that kind of naming. Naming the experience and acknowledging can help us recognize that this inner bully is a part of the path, a part of the process of self-discovery. When we pause in the moment to name / label whatever the critic is saying to us, we can start to recognize the roots and feelings causing the experience. We can start to identify the source of the bully’s rantings. By observing and naming the experience, we can also recognize how we respond when these forces arise.

Are we responding with resistance and fear, or compassion and courage?

When the bully has exhausted us in battle, perhaps it’s time for a perspective shift. Most parts of life that bring difficulty merely want attention, like an unruly child tugging at your pant leg. What happens when you ask the child what it wants and you actually offer it to them the best you can, in a way that will serve them? What happens when you ask the bully what is causing them so much pain they feel the need to act out? Initially you’ll get resistance, but eventually everything softens.

Invite your inner bully to sit and have a mental tea with you. Sit down to tea and name the situation causing the critic to emerge from the depths of slumber into a raving mess inside your mind. Maybe the feeling is rooted in irritation, fear, boredom, lust, doubt, restlessness, etc. Identify that feeling, observe sensations in the body that accompany that feeling, and observe the words the inner critic is using to fill your head space.

“When any experience of body, heart, or mind keeps repeating in consciousness, it is a signal that this visitor is asking for a deeper and fuller attention.” — Jack Kornfield

In meditation, we work to stay open to the flow of whatever arises, and thus this inner critic can turn into an opportunity for self-care instead of self-degradation. This process requires investigation, acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness. It’s not an easy process. Remember how I said earlier that I’ve been working this practice for years? It’s exactly that… a practice. When we understand it, we continue working it in myriad aspects of our lives, but it gets easier because you become more self-aware.

As we invite this inner critic to our mental teatime, we’re working to uncover what they’re asking for us to accept about THEM. The inner critic, like any bully, simply wants attention. Acknowledge their presence and begin the work of attempting to understand where they’re coming from. Keeping in mind they are you, or some version of you from the past or present — so remember you’re talking to yourself. Talk to yourself like you would a dear friend who’s in pain. Would you ask your friend to go away and never return because they’re in pain and lashing out at you? Chronically toxic relationships aside, it’s unlikely you’d fight back with your friend. You’d ask them what’s wrong because you know it’s not who they are deep down. This inner critic telling you you’re unworthy of success or ugly or a burden to everyone you love is saying those things because that’s what gets them your attention. Embracing self-compassionate conversation, we can change the inner dialogue.

Repeated patterns remain because we’re creating some level of resistance, thus locking them in. Instead, we can befriend by asking ourselves how we’re receiving this self-criticism. More importantly, we need to ask ourselves if we wish it to change. We become attached to the things that are familiar, whether or not they’re beneficial.

Next time, instead of fighting back, I invite you to dig deeper. My inner bully prefers to strike at the emotional parts of me (feelings of worthiness, burdensome, imposter syndrome, etc), feeding into my guilt. It’s amazing how she knows me so well and knows all the right buttons to push to hurt me the most.

Where I’m personally digging deeper is into fear and doubt. Logically I know I’m not a burden to those who love me, but underlying fears developed over time try to defy my trust in logic. Same for the other buttons I know to work on when falling down the rabbit hole of self-flagellation — logically I know, emotionally there’s uncertainty. So I ask myself, what would SharedBrain say. It was easier for me to start this practice when I could hear the conversation in the voice of a loved one. For me, that voice is always either Melanie or Mom (sometimes both when the battle reaches Level: Apocalypse). Melanie plays the part of compassionate Sara facing off with bully Sara. Hearing the things I know she would (and has) said to me, help me learn what to say to myself when I eventually sit myself in place of Melanie in that inner conversation.

Another beneficial step is learning we can put these difficulties aside, not fighting them, but rather simply saying ‘not today’. Chronic avoidance / aversion isn’t beneficial as a means to future development, but the occasional unplugging from the battle can be rejuvenating. Learning to let go and/or say ‘not today demon friend’ is like telling your dearest friend that you just need some alone time, and trusting that they’ll still love you tomorrow. Sometimes the journey gets overwhelming and we just need to take rest, knowing that we’ll return to it when we’re ready.

It’s the practice of mindfulness that allows us to invite this bully to tea, and it’s the metaphorical teatime acknowledging their presence that helps us unstick from our patterns.

-Sara