Ready or not, here Change comes...

Bottom line is, even if you see 'em comin', you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we? Helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. -Whistler (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Insecurity and imposter syndrome always come into play towards the end of a teacher training, the beginning of a teacher training, or other major shift in one’s life role where we venture into the unknown. The past 13 months have been a major shift into the unknown for everyone, and for some of us part of that meant a major shift in the role we play in the lives of others. Hello, imposter syndrome and sunshine. The energy of transformation, growth, and change is profound this time of year, with the onset of springtime and moving into summer. Renewal and energy abound in spring nourishes the ambition and fire to do something (or simply try something new) of pitta season in summer.

Since opening CBY in 2010, I’ve helped other studio owners when needed and nourished and cultivated students into becoming teachers. After lockdown March 2020, it was no different — other than the guidance of other studio owners and nourishment of those already teaching took on new heights. I officially started offering mentorship programs, but of course, I still had the thoughts of ‘who am I to be offering such a service?’ Let’s be real, sometimes I still do. And then I remember all the hard work I’ve put into building a studio and cultivating a community of teachers under my tutelage for the past 11 years. I have knowledge, and my knowledge suffices even if I don’t always believe that truth in the moment. And sometimes necessity requires us to get over our doubt and move into that place of discomfort. Ready or not, here change comes (maybe that’s the regular play of hide and seek with my nieces talking, but it doesn’t make it any less true).

During past teacher trainings, I've been asked about my greatest insecurity. Insecurity is defined as uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence. My initial response when first asked was lack of intelligence -- a long-time, but slowly dissolving, insecurity of mine (thanks, grad school). I no longer feel that I lack intelligence in the daily teaching of yoga, but other facets and evolutions of my place in the world of yoga still need work.

Where I annually feel I lack the qualities one should possess is in training teachers, and now mentorships.

Before every training begins, I find myself, if only for a passing moment, feeling I'm not qualified, that there's so much more I need to know before creating more of us who have the honour of passing along this knowledge of yoga. Each year, I always come to accept the qualities and knowledge I possess are worth being shared, and hopefully worthy of cultivating the knowledge-seeking needed to become a teacher of yoga. And yet, I always feel there is still more I could know.

As I continued to ponder the question, I later realized I don't necessarily have anxiety about the potential lack of knowledge... merely a passing uncertainty. So I don't know if I'd call it an insecurity, as it doesn't eat at me for long durations and it doesn't prevent me from doing the dharma I know I'm meant to execute -- teaching yoga and passing on the knowledge for those who want to teach yoga. My insecurities in grad school were near crippling, but it's not the same with teaching yoga. I think that's when you know you've found your path. There are still moments of doubt, but they don't linger or become paralyzing. They keep you honest and drive you, rather than cripple your efforts and fluidity. 

We all have moments of doubt, even the great teachers of the world have brief moments. I think it's not doubt, but rather integrity in the guise of passing doubt that keeps these mentors on the path of continued growth so they have continually more to offer. You can't move forward without friction, and passing moments of uncertainty can serve to either freeze up the brakes or propel the forward momentum. I'm struggling with this concept right now in a new area of my teaching life, working to find propulsion over paralysis. Despite the doubt, I’m still moving in the direction I want to go. That’s what counts. The fear, doubt, and insecurity are no longer greater than my desire to add this element to my career path as a yoga teacher and business owner.

I encourage each of you to examine your insecurities, observing if they're they fleeting or chronic. For the fleeting moments, allow them to serve your forward momentum. For the chronic, crippling demons of anxiety and lack of confidence, observe from an outside perspective — watch the movie of these moments and observe without judgement.

When you start to recognize the triggers, you can name them.

When you can name them, you can sit with them.

When you can sit with them, you can accept them.

When you can accept them, they no longer hold power over you.

What I realized in my marinations and observations on the question of my insecurities is that I no longer have any long-lasting insecurities about teaching — only passing moments of doubt which I now use to serve my growth, in a healthy fashion rather than a self-deprecating inner dialogue. Use the exploration of this practice to serve you on and off the mat, and perhaps you'll find your fears and insecurities can inspire forward fluidity.

Sending you love and confidence.

Always,

-Sara