The Inner Critic

I’m part of a fitness group and every Wednesday night, our amazing coach (who just so happens to also be #CBYAlumni) leads us in a thought-provoking call to help us not only grow in our physical fitness, but also in the realm of overall physical health and mental well-being. We talk quite often of similar matters discussed in yoga, and this past week was no different.

So as I sit here with my cuppa tea on this moon day morning, awaiting the arrival of my New Moon Day donuts (we all have our moon day rituals, mine merely includes delivery of vegan donuts), I’ll share some of the thoughts that were provoked this week.

We all have an inner voice, a voice telling us we’re good enough, strong enough, and that we’re lovable and loved. Wait, no… that’s not it. Ah, right. That voice usually tells us we’re NOT good enough, NOT strong enough, and that NOBODY loves us.

And yet, we also have an inner voice whispering, trying to be heard, under the din of the not-so-nice voice. That voice is telling us we’re good enough, and to pay no credence to the louder voice. But the cacophony of the louder voice makes it nearly impossible for us to even hear the whispers beneath. Who’s heard me say in class, “listen to the whispers of the body before they become screams”? I’m usually referring to potential injury in asana, but it also applies here. Instead, let’s work on seeking out those whispers so they can one day drown out the screams of this unruly, domineering other voice screaming at us these untruths.

This mental bully is part of us. We use it as a tool for self-punishment. “I can’t have those monthly donuts because… [insert insult of choice here, for example: I didn’t practice hard enough, I’m too fat, nobody loves me, etc.].”

Then I sit back and watch the playground battle begin. Rather, I wish I could simply sit back and watch the battle, but it feels more like I’m in the fight getting slayed by my inner bully. I used to cultivate denial of things (or foods) as a form of self-punishment, accompanied by the onslaught of derogatory and degrading one-liners. In yoga we learn that healthy restraint and discipline is a form of self-care, not punishment. Ordering donuts every day is punishment, delicious punishment to my overall health and wellbeing. Especially when it comes with a side of self-loathing for even enjoying the donuts. Ordering donuts once a month is not. While this seems obvious on the surface, the mind is a trickster. Fear may be the mind killer, and it’s easier to believe the lies we tell ourselves because we fear the truth. The truth that we are growing and evolving human beings every day, every moment. Nobody is perfect and we’re all just trying to do the best we can with what we know. And when we know more, we can do better.

One thing I’ve realized over the last few decades of my own work in this mental boxing ring is that we often fail to recognize that the inner voice, that inner critic, can only survive as a monologue. It thrives on a lack of dialogue. Just like any other bully, it’s dependent on our silence. But we can speak up against it, we can choose NOT to believe it. We can seek a second opinion, just like we do when we get a medical diagnosis we don’t like. We can seek a second opinion when we get advise from a friend that doesn’t feel right.

We rarely accept a diagnosis or piece of advice unless it’s something we want to hear, unless it brings us some sense of satisfaction. Now, for the emotional masochists and chronic depressives in the room, sometimes we don’t feel satisfied unless we’re miserable. Here’s the catch — that self-degradation is not true satisfaction and santosa (contentment), that’s comfort of the familiar no matter how unhealthy it is for ourselves. We can do better, we can dig deeper. This excavation is our practice. We can find the truth that we are valuable members of society — not solely for our monetary contribution, but for our emotional and human contribution to bringing light, laughter, and love into the world. We can find the truth that we are lovable and loved. We can find the truth that the size and shape of our bodies says nothing, absolutely nothing, about how kind and caring we are to those around us.

When we’re working to build better habits — eating less processed foods and more fresh veggies, embracing sobriety after decades of struggle with drugs/alcohol, committing to regular practice (asana, pranayama, meditation), developing a cross-training/strength-training routine to complement your yoga, getting out of the cycle of mental pessimism, etc. — we have to consciously make these choices every day, and for some of us every minute. We make these choices consciously until they become more automatic (not to be confused with auto-pilot / zoned out of our conscious awareness). As they become more automatic, the effort lessens into something reminiscent of a moving meditation. Our muscles know where to go and how to move, so we can focus more on the meditative qualities of the practice, whatever practice it is: healthy foods, sobriety, asana, less chronically complainy thought patterns, etc.

And when we’re building these habits, a second opinion (or support system) is critical. An external reality check from someone we trust when we have trouble seeing reality for what it is, as in those moments we’re often veiled by the vociferous volume of our inner bully.

My fitness coach mentioned she has this constant dialogue with her anxiety self and her confident self. It’s truly a battle, and it’s definitely exhausting to tussle with yourself all the time. I battle with various aspects of my mental health, but the more reps I do, the better I get at recognizing the red flags before they start firing war canons across the grassy knoll.

Just like we speak up against the bullies in the proverbial playground, we have the ability to shut down (and seek a second opinion against) the thoughts presented every day by the inner oppressor.

On this moon day I invite you to observe the inner dialogue, or monologue. Are the things you say to yourself inside your head the things you’d say to your best friend, sibling, or pet? What if the things you say to yourself inside your head were said to you by your best friend, or sibling, or stranger on the street? How would you react? If the answers are that you’d never say it to a friend, nor want to hear from a friend, I proffer a challenge to begin the shift. Shift the words when you acknowledge them into the way you’d reword them to a friend. If it truly is something that you need to hear to get a metaphorical kick in the pants to grow and evolve, how would you phrase it your bestie in the same situation?

Self-care is learning how to talk to yourself in your own mind. Maybe we can learn to treat our adult selves as kind and compassionately as we do our dog, our bestie, or 7 year old self.

Happy Moon Day!

-Sara